I’m sure we’re all sick of hearing the standard debates,

“Is Al Gore a fruitcake or not”

“Is it worth my cup of coffee every day to get the flies off a child in Africa?” as so eloquently stated by Kera one good geography class.

And of course the ever popular “Are these shoes REALLY worth the $300 I paid for them?”

The answer to all of these is, of course, irrelevant.

I mean! There are REAL issues at hand here! Global warming isn’t bothering me right now, unlike the issue I’m going to address, shortly after this climactic buildup.

Just yesterday, it happened to me, and I KNOW that this has happened countless times to all of you!

Every. Last. One. Of. You.

Even those of you who think I’m not pointing at them, even those of you who are imagining me point as you read this.

All people, just, righteous, kind, or otherwise, has experienced this tragedy, and can empathize, sympathize, but certainly not apathize with me.

You have all probably figured out by now, that what I am talking about is,

(Imagine that there is a really epic drum roll here)

Toilet paper in the bathrooms.

Or rather, the times when it is NOT present.

First of all, it’s bad enough that our public defacatoriums have to smell awful, and are filled with flea ridden children who occasionally wash their hands afterwards,

Then you get in the stall, and some jackoff left their feces for you, as an obscure and abstract rebellious statement, hoping that inadvertently, the entire school system will crumble due to his defiant stool standing proudly in the bottom of the toilet.

And then you sit down and do your thing and there is no FREAKING TIOLET paper in the stupid dispenser!!

This is a TRUE STORY it’s happened to me, and its happened to you.

So then what?

Do you like, look outside the stall to make sure no ones there and then quickly run to the next one with your pants down?

But like, what if its one of the stalls that doesn’t close?

What if all the stalls that ARE closed are occupied?

Then what?

And like, what if someone walks in?

I suppose you COULD pull your pants up and wait for the next available stall, but then, your underwear will be dirty, and you’ll be uncomfortable ALL DAY!

And you’ll smell.

And everyone will think you wet your pants.

3 seconds of embarrassment if someone sees you naked, or a LIFETIME of being called an uhmm.. whatever you get called when you don’t have a good grasp on how to control your bladder…

But then, what if the person doesn’t understand your qualm?

What if they think you’re one of the retard kids that can’t wear clothes properly?

What if they just think you’re just a freak?

What if that doesn’t matter, because you’ve been on the can for like, 10 minutes now?

Alright, alright, there’s too many things that could go wrong with this plan, back to the drawing board, okay?

This is probably the part where you realize that you should’ve checked before you came in.

Then you go into the anger stage and you blame the stupid, dumb, smelly, lazy, freaking janitor for not doing his freaking job

I firmly believe that toilet paper should either be

A) Under 24/7 surveillance, and a guy is watching that tape, and as SOON as the toilet paper runs out ANYWHERE a siren and a flashing red light goes off in his office and he FIXES it.

Or

B) Toilet paper should be no longer made of actual paper, but the same material as those Styrofoam peanuts, or maybe craft sparkles, because it has been PROVEN, very scientifically[see figure 2], by me, that both these things expand and never run out.

So, I believe, no, I KNOW, that if these plans are implemented NO LONGER will us, the student body, have to ever deal with the trauma of being toiletpaperless in the stall EVER again.

Now, you probably want to know what I did when I was caught in that situation, but, if I leave you with questions and unfinished ends, it’s considered an in depth and thought provoking speech.

You also probably thought that was stupid and gross, and may be working to keep your lunch down, but mark my words and mark them well, perhaps with a shapie or something, you WILL check the toilet paper in the stalls before you defecate, and you WILL thank me for it the next time you encounter, a toilet paper-free zone.

(imagine me bowing here and receiving a standing ovation)

Figure 1
Included, are all the words I made up, and to make sure they become real in the future, so that this rant is not seen as uneducated, but as progressive, are included, three times, and you are free to cut them out so that they appear to have been in print three separate times.

Apathize
Apathize
Apathize

Defacatoriums
Defacatoriums
Defacatoriums

Toiletpaperless
Toiletpaperless
Toiletpaperless


Figure 2

(Note how official it is)